


you're my lifeline

by hanjisgirlfriend



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: (i guess), Angst, Angst and Romance, F/F, First Kiss, First Love, Hurt/Comfort, Roommates, Sharing a Room, im sorry, mikasa has nightmares, sasha comforts her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:54:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29544072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanjisgirlfriend/pseuds/hanjisgirlfriend
Summary: “You’re not useless. You’re not a pain. You’re not wasting away space. You are here for a reason.”
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Sasha Blouse, Mikasa Ackerman/Sasha Blouse
Comments: 17
Kudos: 109





	you're my lifeline

It was widely known amongst the scouts that Braus and Ackerman were roommates no matter where they went. They were inseparable once sleeping quarters came into play. Word had spread after there had been whispers that they often wound up sharing a bed, so the two were victims of some crude stares and sneering accusations. Yet nobody knew how the pair’s tradition was started. Hell, it was even slightly fuzzy in Mikasa’s memory. But it was burned in Sasha’s mind, as clear as day, and it was far more crucial than any other recollection she’d saved up there.

It was the third night they had been sharing a room. 

Sasha had helped Mikasa care for a wound on her hands, several deep cuts that the girl had inflicted upon herself from gripping her ODM gear with too much force.

The two were silent. The entire corridor was silent. Everyone wore grim expressions; they’d lost too many soldiers that day. Even Commander Erwin had been avoiding the gazes of his defeated scouts. 

The tight-knit group of teens that Mikasa and Sasha usually resided with had returned to the barracks without uttering a single word.

“There,” Sasha said quietly, patting Mikasa’s hands and setting the bandages down on the floor. “How does it feel?”

“Fine. Thank you.” Mikasa hesitantly met Sasha’s eyes with her own grey ones.

Sasha returned the look with a tired smile and stood up, shimmying out of her jacket. “I didn’t see you here last night. Were you okay?”

“I was helping Armin with his sword techniques,” Mikasa lay back on her rickety wooden bed. “He didn’t get enough practice with it during our last training.”

Sasha nodded and slipped out of her boots. “And the first night?”

Mikasa turned and scowled in her friend’s direction. “What is this, an interrogation? Historia needed some hand-to-hand combat tips. So I met with her. I happened to have time.” 

“Hm.” Sasha was well aware of a cold gaze on her back as she pulled her shirt over her head. “You sure do seem to help others a lot.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” A nonchalant voice, though Sasha could tell she had turned to face the wall as she changed clothes.

“I mean do you ever take time for yourself? Like do you keep track of how you feel, physically and mentally?” she let her hair fall out of its usual ponytail and looked at Mikasa’s curled-up form.

No answer. Sasha sighed and flopped down onto her bed, taking the silence as a plea to end the conversation. She closed her eyes and snuggled into the rough sheets that acted as protection from the biting cold air that was seeping in from the windows.

She must have dozed off a few minutes later, because when a rattling window snapped her awake, she could hear Mikasa’s soft breathing from across the room. 

The girl must have been exhausted. Sasha was tired herself, yet she knew that compared to Mikasa, it was nothing. 

Mikasa was easily the strongest member of the scouts. Not the six-foot-tall giant, not the suicidal maniac, and not the blonde fighting prodigy. Quiet, dark-haired, Mikasa who always wore a stone-cold resting face, exceeded the expectations of everyone who met her, and owned a special spot in Sasha’s heart.

Sasha told herself that it was a result of how much she respected her friend, but as time progressed and she found herself sharing a room with the girl, she wondered if it really was only admiration. 

As Sasha lay there, counting the slats in the ceiling, considering whether or not she could ever be as strong as Mikasa, she heard a strange murmuring. She sat up slowly, wondering if Armin was having bad dreams again. _No,_ she thought. _His room is all the way across the building. Bertholdt, maybe?_

The muffled sound stopped, and Sasha crept to the door, putting an ear against the cold wood, listening for anymore. 

It started again, this time more of a scared whimper. 

Sasha stepped away from the door at once, turning and peering through the dim light at the source: the bundle of sheets on the bed across from her.

A mess of black hair peeked out from the layers. 

Sasha put a hand to her mouth, too shocked to do anything for a few seconds. 

Mikasa’s tangled limbs suddenly thrashed about and her body curled into a tight position, blankets discarded on the floor, arms wrapped tight around her pale shoulders. Her eyes were squeezed shut, chin trembling until she cried out a few more times.

Sasha’s hands around her mouth tensed up. She had never before heard or seen Mikasa like this, and the sounds she was making were so goddamn painful that it made her want to clamp her hands over her ears to block out the noise.

Though as she stood there, hovering between the decisions to comfort her friend or let her be and act like she had witnessed nothing (the fear of Mikasa’s wrath nearly convinced her right then to ignore the situation), Sasha knew with certainty that the overwhelming urge to hold Mikasa’s trembling body to her chest, the urge to never let her sleep in a lonely bed again, was nothing that someone with strictly platonic feelings would think.

She absolutely had feelings for Mikasa, she decided. But she would never act on it, because why would Mikasa have any reason to reciprocate them?

Sasha crossed the room in two strides and picked up the blankets strewn on the floor in a swift motion, laying them over Mikasa’s now stirring form. She noticed herself hesitate for just a moment, accidentally looking at the curve of Mikasa’s back, her broad shoulders, the way her muscles were nearly strained from how hard she was hugging herself. Her thin fingers were pressed into her palms, knuckles white.

Sasha lingered by her friend’s side and reached out to stroke her hair, then paused. 

It was strange, she thought, that such a strong soldier like Mikasa now appeared like a frail flower petal that could crumble at her touch, shaking beneath her outstretched hand, vulnerable to such awful tremors that Sasha had never seen before. 

The girl on the bed below her _was_ Mikasa, however she looked a stranger.

Sasha sighed, and, against every controlling thought in her body, quickly leaned down and pressed her lips to Mikasa’s forehead. 

She had whirled around at once, starting for her bed, the feeling of Mikasa’s soft skin lingering on her mouth, when she felt a hand twist around her wrist and pull her backwards.

Mikasa was awake. She sat up groggily, hair sticking up in a few places, eyes damp, grip deadly on Sasha’s hand.

“No,” she said, voice cracking.

Sasha had jumped at the touch, and now stared at Mikasa, eyes wide.

“What?”

“Stay.”

Sasha took a hesitant breath, then climbed over Mikasa to lay next to her.

At first she lay rigid, all too aware of her breathing and the rising temperature of her face. Mikasa seemed to be dwelling on the same things, and returned to her previous position, her back to Sasha.

“Were you having a nightmare?” Sasha asked, voice barely audible. She looked over at the girl beside her. Mikasa nodded.

“Are you okay?”

Silence. Sasha turned on her side and put a careful hand on Mikasa’s arm. “Hey, look--”

 _“Fuck,_ no,” Mikasa said in more of a strangled whisper. “I’m not _okay_. How could I be okay?” She flipped over to face Sasha and sat up, shocking the other girl with the shiny tears running down her cheeks. “People are dying everyday. People are dying because of _me.”_

“Mikasa--”

“Why isn’t it me?” she cried, no longer trying to disguise her breakdown, her voice ringing throughout the room. “Why can’t _I_ die?” She grabbed at her chest, breathing hard, eyes flashing. “Every night it’s the same thing. I’m stuck out in the field, surrounded by all the cadets in my group, and everyone, _all of them,_ get _torn to pieces_ as I’m just _watching._ And I do _nothing._ Because, according to our commanders, to our commanders that only have power because _they’re not dead,_ I am worthy of being amongst the most skilled soldiers, and I shouldn’t even _try_ to save the _invalid_ ones.”

_“Mikasa--”_

She was sobbing, choking back gasps, her chest heaving with effort to keep talking, her voice rising to an anguished shout. “Why can’t I _die?_ What’s the purpose of my life besides just taking care of Eren? That’s all anyone sees me for. What’s the _purpose of my life if I can’t save as many people as I can?”_

 _“MIKASA!”_ Sasha yelled, grabbing her face and holding her still. 

Mikasa stared at Sasha, placing her trembling hands on the ones that held her face. The face looking back at her was kind, understanding, and for once, Mikasa did not bristle at the touch of another person. Sasha knew the battle she was fighting. 

“Hey,” Sasha said softly as the girl’s sobs shook her arms. “Look at me.”

Dark, bloodshot eyes met golden ones.

“You’re not _useless_ . You’re not a _pain._ You’re not wasting away space. You are _here_ for a _reason.”_ Sasha rubbed away tears that would not stop coming. “Your life is so meaningful. You are alive because you earned it. You have endured so much fucking trauma, hell, we all have, but you especially-- and you’re telling me you just wanna give up now? After all that? Was it for nothing?”

Mikasa grimaced and bowed her head, leaning into Sasha’s shoulder.

“No. You’re not giving up right now. You’re not giving up _ever._ Because we need you. I need you. And you’re not someone’s goddamn _pet._ Whoever you spend your time protecting is lucky to have you. You _matter._ ”

Mikasa’s breathing was slowing down as she shivered in Sasha’s arms. Her hair was mussed up to the side, revealing the scar on the sharp curve of her cheekbone. Without thinking, Sasha pressed a delicate kiss to the healed wound.

Then calloused hands pushed through her hair, wet eyelashes brushed her own, and Mikasa’s lips were on hers.

Sasha didn’t feel any electricity, didn’t feel any adrenaline-- she didn’t feel anything that her other friends had described about their first kisses.

All she felt was relief. Waves and waves of relief crashing down on her, leaving her reassured, leaving her calm, allowing her to give in to the feelings she wanted so badly to forget.

All she felt was the consolation that Mikasa understood her own worth. Sasha eased Mikasa down onto the bed, allowing the girl free reign to pull her closer and deepen the kiss. Arms wrapped around Sasha’s neck, keeping her close, and she deliberately slowed her kisses on Mikasa’s eager mouth, reminding the girl that she was not going to fade away like the fallen soldiers in her nightmares. Mikasa understood the notion, and gave a small sigh when Sasha broke away to take a breath.

Seconds later, she began to laugh. Sasha ran her thumb along her jaw and frowned, wondering if the laughter was a passage into another breakdown.

But Mikasa continued to laugh, though it sounded slightly forced.

“Are you okay?” Sasha asked, concerned, sweeping Mikasa’s bangs off of her forehead, and scanning her face for any sign of distress. “I’m here for you.”

“I just…,” Mikasa trailed off, staring intently at Sasha’s, a faint sadness in her gaze.

She kissed her again with more ferocity, more desperation, as if trying to convey her thoughts through her tongue in Sasha’s mouth. 

Sasha was still leaning forward when she pulled away. “You just… what?”

“I never thought that you would be my lifeline to this world.”

Sasha shifted closer to Mikasa, holding her closer to her chest, letting the girl snuggle into her beneath the thin bed covers. 

“Always.”

From that night on, Mikasa’s lifeline vowed to never again leave her to suffer through tortuous nightmares in an empty bed. 

**Author's Note:**

> heyy this was actually pretty interesting to write, it gave me a chance to think more about mikasa's darker emotions. also sad tho. for mikasasha week. but i hope you liked it and if u comment i love you.


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